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How to Save Your Child from Ostrich Attacks, Accidental Time Travel, and Anything Else that Might Happen on an Average Tuesday

By James Breakwell


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The parenting humorist behind the viral Twitter account @XplodingUnicorn and author of Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent’s Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse presents the long-awaited guide to surviving everything else

In the era of instant parent shaming and viral hot takes, some questions are too dangerous to ask out loud: What’s the proper first aid for my toddler’s vampire bite? What should I do if I take a wrong turn on the way to soccer practice and end up in the Cretaceous Period? How can I fend off Godzilla without disrupting my child’s nap?

Fortunately, there’s now a parenting resource that answers those burning questions and many more.

Professional comedy writer and amateur father James Breakwell’s latest book tackles more than 90 survival challenges ordinary parents might encounter in their everyday lives, including:

  • How to protect your child against tigers, penguins, mastodons, and other animals found in the suburbs.
  • How to defeat ghosts, gremlins, mummies, and any other supernatural force that might prevent you from getting your kid to bed on time.
  • How to survive crashing horses, trains, hot air balloons, and other vehicles you might find in the carpool lane.

This is an essential guide for anyone who has children, might have children someday, or is vaguely aware children exist. Put this book down at your own—and your children’s—risk.

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About the Author

James Breakwell

James Breakwell is a professional comedy writer and amateur father of four girls, ages 6, 4, 2, and 7 months. He tells jokes about his family on his Twitter account @XplodingUnicorn, which has more than one million followers and continues to grow at a rapid pace.
Mr. Breakwell has the unique distinction of going viral twice in one year with two entirely different comedy concepts. In April, Buzzfeed featured Mr. Breakwell’s kid-centric jokes in an article that quickly gained more than two million views. His @XplodingUnicorn account grew by 300,000 followers in two weeks and attracted substantial interest from traditional media outlets. His jokes were featured by US Magazine,,, 9GAG,,, various ABC and Fox TV news affiliates, and countless other TV, radio, and Internet outlets.
That was the second time Mr. Breakwell went viral in 2016. On Christmas Day 2015, he started a Twitter parody account called @VeryLonelyLuke, which posts jokes in the guise of Luke Skywalker stranded on a secret water planet. That account gained 370,000 followers in its first few months and has attracted the attention of Star Wars cast members. Mark Hamill follows and regularly retweets the account, and Carrie Fisher and Peter Mayhew have both interacted with it.
Outside of Twitter, Mr. Breakwell has been a guest five times on HLN’s The Daily Share. His comedy articles have been featured by Reader’s Digest and The Federalist, and he has an upcoming piece scheduled to appear on
He makes daily webcomics at,, and His articles are available at

Go to the Author Page

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Publication Details

Format: E-book Mobi

Format: E-book Epub

Format: Paperback

Dimensions: 6 x 1 x 8 in.

Weight: 1.1 lbs.

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